were you wearing a green and blue thong last night?
yes! wait why?
because i found it in my pocket this morning...
one of the cashiers from Kroger is eating at my kitchen table and nobody knows why.
He's drunk and putting on a tie for the jimmy john's delivery guy
Um I just overheard that the new guy spent a month in jail. Obvi another great hire.
I just found pie in my hoodie pocket... This break needs to end.
Dude she's famous. She's on an episode of campus pd. Can't not fuck her
The number of males in the usa getting circumsized are decreasing. Keep this in mind when we become cougars
Would it be a good deed to leave a 32 pack of bud light next to a bum sleeping in the park?
The plane down was full of newly weds and I counted 5 pairs of mile high club members. Actually, one might have been a group membership discount.
The best part of the night was you shouting "I have to take the LSAT tomorrow" between shots of fireball.
I punched the bar tender after he cut me off. Hopped over the bar and made my own drink. That's how I got tazed
Nothing more awkward that being butt ass naked in a guys bed and his ex wife shows up with his kid....
You know you were really drunk last night when you woke up and had someone else's jacket with their car keys and medical marijuana that you wore home from the bar and no sign of your actual jacket.
It is getting ridiculous, the elaborateness of the schemes I have to concoct so my suitemates don't know I'm pooping.
I just smoked weed out of a tomahawk, then chased an armadillo with said tomahawk, I love my life.
Randomize
