Dude, I'm so high in the forest and I think I'm in a bear den.
Woke up with puke in my bed and my pockets full of Tootsie Rolls.
Jealous.
How does one fall all the way up a flight of stairs? Its hard on me knowing that the survival of our species depends on me not reproducing.
Hey thanks again for rolling me that blunt necklace. It was amazing.
It's the eternal vodka... it never seems to go away
I'm a little upset you wasted 3 beers on your wet tee shirt contest.
Why was there a 1000 piece puzzle covered in hot sauce being cooked in the microwave?
You wanna know how bad I feel? I couldn't get out of bed to get the remote, so I just downloaded the comcast app on my phone so I could change the channels
he didn't stitch me up last time. in fact, he yelled at me for bleeding.
Lindsey Lohan and I have slept with the same amount of people. The only thing she's now beating me on is rehab trips and teen choice awards, so really I'm the winner.
I guess the lesson here is that I shouldn't send nudes to elected officials.
This is not the first time I've recognized my body is subconsciously trying to make pizza.
That moment when you're in a room with 3 guys and know how big their dicks are. Then you are married to the one with the smallest dick.
I masterbated poison ivy onto my penis, it hasn't been this upset with me since the Take one for the team fiasco of 02.
1. I drank goldschlager 2. I fell in a bathtub and hit my head (hard) on a soap dish. 2. I sat in said bathtub talking to a random stranger on vacation from wyoming (who i met at a 711 looking for taquitos) for almost an hour. 3. We got kicked out of said bathtub by owner of bathtub. 4. We had sex.
Randomize
