I recorded his drunk dial calls. My personal favorite was the one that began, "grab the bull by the horns and fuck his cock."
Chick stood right next to me in the elevator. Like she had the whole elevator and she stood right next to me. So I farted.
Please tell me the foreign boys in the kitchen this morning were yours.
Saw the college gyno today. It has now been medically confirmed that I have a perfect vagina.
Woke up in my own bed with a "New Years Eve 2011" bar bracelet on. Both of these things confuse me.
looking at that huge scar on my leg from when i got drunk at 9 AM and walked into a grill. so excited for football season to start again!
Either way, we will celebrate half Christmas the only way we can. Completely and irresponsibly wasted.
That's totally the Emoji for "just ran into some girl who knows I know she had an abortion"
shes making a cheerios necklace using dental floss 'just in case' she gets the munchies later
I've never had sex with me but I assume there are worse ways to be woken up.
HE LITERALLY JUST PEED IN MY ROOM IDK WHAT TO DO HELP
We spent 45 minutes searching the crevices of our friend's car with a pair of tweezers trying to find the acid that we dropped
She's hot and all. It's just I don't want to become Eskimo brothers with my sister
Does fucking him in the back of the car with the sun roof retracted count as star gazing?
dude I fucking saw you snort tequila
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