well I can't set my house on fire every night
I just encouraged Kelsey to make out with some guy for beer so I could take one, does this make me a pimp?
By definition I think it does.
So this is what it feels like to be all that is man.
he wanted to have sex on the little rocking chair but i was too high to figure out how to do that so we did it on the floor.
In case you were unaware playing with rabbits on ecstasy is the greatest thing ever. I feel like I'm ODing on adorable right now.
Would it be bad if I bought her bread, meat, cheese, and stuff as her christmas present so she can make me a sandwich?
Well THAT'S the last time I buy beer and baby wipes in the same Walmart run ... just wanted to shout I USE THEM TO REMOVE MY MAKEUP, YOU ASSHOLES
I swear to god, my hangover cure is a green tea and a 15 minute twerkout. works every time
Also I've been at work for an hour and I've already been "honey"d "babe"d and "beautiful"d by three separate men. Apparently hungover with yesterdays make up looks good on me.
I think I just pulled an onion peel off my boob from sleeping on their kitchen floor
I repeat do not go to a jail visit drunk, those stools are easy to fall off.
What could go wrong? i could have a mental breakdown with a bottle of champagne hand cuffed to a frat bro
You just kinda wondered into the street and started screaming at dogs and small children...
I just want to nap all the time and eat Chinese food.
I made him dinner in just his cowboy hat and my boots after we did it...you should see his face :)
Should I put the spider I likely swallowed in my sleep into my calorie tracker?
Randomize
