So somehow I got from NYC to a suburban town in the middle of Jersey. At 4am. Thank god there are trains that can rectify my mistakes...
Just orgasmed in traffic. Starting to have feelings for my commute.
Come over we're drinking with orange soda as a chaser to honor 90s nick kenan and kel.
DUDE EDDIE MURPHY JUST DID A BODY SHOT OFF A HOOKER. IM NEVER COMING HOME
Nope. He totaled my car then moved back to Louisiana to work things out with baby mama. I sure know how to pick em
The amount of drugs I did this weekend make me concerned about my health but at the same time fascinated to see if I could do more
I hope you get a lego stuck in your dickhole
Though I don't usually want to turn down ladies who want to liquify my clothing with their eyes, I made an exception.
Dude, you stalking his LINKEDIN profile will NOT affect your chances with him. We aren't 40...
He called me for phone sex. Do you know how hard it is to fake an orgasm, and play Candy Crush at the same time?
he asked if he should bring the trash can into the room.. apparently i shoved my finger all over his face and said.. shhhh dont talk... just take your pants off.
color coded lube a great way to organize my bootie calls
We decided it was a good idea to go streaking through the campus. Everything was fine until the sprinklers turned on and we realized the keys were in his pocket.
The cards I get dealt on tinder now are karma for fucking a married man while I was in high school.
There is a sex dungeon behind the wine cellar. This is why I hate showing foreclosures.
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