so all night Ive been that girl with her tits out @ the bar. I mean I dropped jaws, yo. But in a classy way.
Why are there so many empty soda cans in my room?
You put them in a circle around your bed and said it was the best way to ward of the witches from hocus pocus....then you remembered you needed salt too. I'm assuming you havent gone to the bathroom yet.
he was like a christmas ornament you would hang on the back of the tree....not great but still made the cut.
The iPad is going to make my porn collection SO much more glossier... thanks steve jobs.
Found a left over fake Olympic medal from our party last weekend. Awarded it to a random girl in the bar last night. Its the only thing she was wearing this morning when she woke up at my place.
What do you want me to say to her? "Oh hey, I need to borrow your soon to be husband to make a porn, cool?"
on the way home I asked you what exit we get off at and your answer was "just like the goldfish"
Omg. I wanna lecture the drug dealer about how highschool should not be his glory days.
How many other adults do you think have slept naked under the Winnie the Pooh blanket sober?
Surveying the reception hall and I'm fearing the worst possible thing that could ever happen...this might be a dry wedding.
.,.,you might have to leave
You know, part of me wants to die and the other part of me doesn't want to live
If you were more comfortable around gay men, then you too could get wasted at the gay dance club and go home with hot girls.
I need to get all the one night tinders in my system before I move back in with my parents
My roommate taped his phone to the ceiling fan to simulate walking so he could hatch Pokémon. Lazy people will always find a way.
Afterwards I drank a whole bottle of cake vodka in the bathtub while he was bawling his eyes out. Hands down weirdest hookup I've ever had.
Randomize
