just ate pastrami before passing out in my hotel room. My room smells like a petting zoo
My wife says its no good to have oral sex during pregnancy. So i guess pregnancy is like regular life.
'fingered' and 'feelings' NEVER belong in the same sentence.
tequila makes her clothes fall off
wow Mom, sounds like youre having a good time
Lucky for you, I found your phone.....Not so lucky for you, it was in the bottom of your vomit-filled trashcan.
I thought about donating plasma but thats not the way i want to find out that i have aids
maybe i'll make good life choices and keep my legs closed. periodically txt me friday and saturday night saying "baby carrot round 2" that should stop me.
It was scary, we all screamed. Never make mimosas in a car.
Still not exactly sure how i unbolted your toilet from the ground.
He's minimum effort, but maximum fuck.
Don't get me wrong, I love talking about lube and such, but why are we?
Multi-day drunkenness is to binge drinking as black diamonds are to skiing. They're tough and confusing and you hurt afterwards, but you did it and you probably got an alright story along the way.
Well you fished my watch out of a possibly vomit filled toilet so I think we're bros now.
Accidentally searched up "pizza pasties" instead of "pizza pastries". I was not disappointed.
Don’t judge me
Some of us don’t have access to dick on a constant basis
Randomize
