There are just some things I refuse to put in my mouth.
No seriously, I have to sell the house because my wife found out I'm gay.
Todays lesson: Chew your food better when your drunk. I almost choked throwing up this morning.
So how many shot glasses of coffee grounds make a pot?
Just wana tell you im wearing assless jorts tonight. Ive been waiting my whole life for this.
this will be a night to untag.
I can't be drunk. Sober yes. Drunk no. Spoonfuls
I'm not making any promises. But if I start throwing food at you, just go with it.
happy find a boyfriend by next Valentines Day. Its like a new years resolution but depressing
My roommate is either deadlifting a bus or having sex. I can't tell which
My boyfriend sold my favorite shoes right off my fucking feet last night outside the bar. It might have played a part in our breakup today.
My condoms might be a little big for you but hey, a big sweater is better than no sweater at all when it's cold right?
cops woke me up on the sidewalk and asked where my shoes are.. fuck if i know, im sleeping on the sidewalk! actually i didnt say that, i just cried until they gave me a ride home.
there are no losers in shot checkers. only winners.
The next time you invite me out to a bar full of cougars warn me first. I never felt like a piece of meat before.
Randomize
