Dude WTF? His teammate just started talkin to me on fb! Am I walking around with a "I like to f**k gators" on my forehead?
No, it just says ur easy
i love accidental penises.
Getting a high five from your dog when you're stoned is one the greatest rewards of being a pet owner.
Superbowl + Mdma, hope we're on the same page.
He promised he'd be the first bidder on my ebay item if i went home with him. Worth it.
There is a good chance that the other night after a wedding reception i was at that i mailed you a drink coaster.
That little tingle vodka gives me in my esphagus is what lets me know I'm still alive.
Found my wallet. It was under my dresser with a note that said "good job you found me". Drunk me is an ass.
Hate sex is good. Drunk sex is better. Combine those two however and you get the best experience of your LIFE.
This storm betta not fuck with taco tuesday
Someone want to explain the bottle of ranch I found in my pants
He peed my bed and tried to say it was just the wine. The red wine. On white sheets. He's not a good liar.
the police report says i screamed sanctuary from a jungle gym at the playground when they caught up with us, obviously they disregarded international law.
FUCK. EVERYONE MAKE MY CONTACT NAME DADDY ISSUES
i just realized i have only had sex on couches so far this year. i can't decide if that's impressive or trashy
Randomize
