checking your phone to see who you drunk dialed last night isnt as funny when you see you had a 17 minute call to your dad.
Wait, how do girls masturbate?
I dunno we use shower heads I guess.
..how does it fit?
and i forgot to tell you that my armpit hair is now completely grown back. man i love winter.
There was a reason that "Throat Warrior 2011" was written on my martini glass. He said my title was undisputed.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Just hooked up with the fireman who put out the quesadilla fiasco last tuesday.
I woke up to a text that said, "I can see you but can't get in." It was the pizza delivery guy who saw me passed out drunk on the floor through the front door.
I know. I know. The man who pulled me from my mother's womb was the same man who had his fingers in my vagina today. My life is a joke. I don't know how to feel about this.
My hope for you over spring break is that you can be some disease free girl's random spring break mistake.
He just got here and all he's wearing is a cloth over his penis.
I'll uninvite my mom
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
i just hope we're both dead or in prison at the same time
He's got the most well kempt beard I've ever seen and I need it between my thighs is basically what I'm saying
It's not even 8:30a, wine glass is broken, there's sugar everywhere, and your mom just asked me what MILF means.
I spanked her so hard I woke up Grandma
I told my mom that I might be hungover today so she needs to make me an omelet.. it happened and I'm happy
Turns out tits aren't quite as effective an enticement when they know for a fact that they can't touch.
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