The best part was her genuine shock and total "I didn't know" look when we said she couldn't cook a steak in a microwave.
Let's go get our ovaries removed together. It'll be like bonding by getting mani/pedis, but with more vicodin and less unwanted pregnancies.
I found an HIV test/information brochure on the kitchen table and what i can only assume to be an "I'm sorry you might have AIDS" gift bag, complete with a candle and popcorn, and I haven't seen you in 36 hours. You good?
What's the best way to say, "it's too early in our relationship to leave me at your place alone"? Steal something?
I either just got free sex or a nice jail sentence. Text me in 10 to verify.
i thought i should point out that whatever else you can say about me, i've still gotten high with a midget.
If you two are having sex, stop. I have something really important to ask you about psychics.
Drunk yoga at 11 am turned into me sitting on the couch making fun of the girl in the instructional video. By the way, what the fuck is a third eye?
He wanted me to blow him while he did curls and looked at himself in the mirror. Not sure if gay or ego maniac.
The last thing I remember is crying and shaking my head as she was putting salt on my hand. I guess I took the shot
Should I go sleeveless of strapless?
Hmmm, it doesn't matter. You're gonna be topless by the end of it.
I hate how much more visible my vomit is on snow, I need a winter vomit bush
I just wish he'd leave so I can vomit in peace.
NO I WILL NOT SET YOU UP WITH MY TWIN WHAT THE HELL IS WRONG WITH YOU?!? JUST BECAUSE I WONT BLOW YOU DOESNT MEAN YOU CAN STALK HER AS A BACKUP PLAN YOU SPANISH BASTARD
I love that we can live in a world where I can Google "Harry Potter lizard" and an illustration for my dream pops up
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