Walked home this morning with my contacts in a shot glass.
First class.
I was speaking french the whole night. Until i got arrested. Then I decided I should probably start speaking English.
This pizza tastes like mashed potatoes. HOW HIGH DO YOU THINK I AM?
of course. lets lasso hookers.
i spent 45 minuets spilling my heart out to him telling him i was in love with this other guy sorry. when i was done he asked me to give him a blow job. i did. i have commitment problems
He kept spanking me and talking about biomedical science.
Aw, you fucked a pre-med? you're moving up in the world!
it took me 7 solid minutes to realize "egggGSaucetingf" meant "exhausting"
How do I tell my child he was conceived on a barstool in South Alabama?
I know everytime I get my paycheck I'm like "I should probably renew my gym membership" and then I just buy more alcohol
It's an open bar. I'm gonna be gone when you get here.
Text me the address now before you're too drunk to text English.
what the hell makes you think you get to decide what your going to wear at our weding!?
We watched ESPN, hooked up, got waffles. You know, a typical weekend.
I don't know. Seeing the vagina stretched out beyond normal proportions is like watching your favorite superhero die.
let me just take this time to thank you again for buying pudding.
No I come to this class stoned every week. Except last week when I was drinking in class
Randomize
