well you can't waste a boner
his internet history is a lot of porn, how to make a hovercraft and side-effects of jacking off too much
I cant believe she fell for the mistletoe belt AGAIN.
When I told her that her boyfriend was making out with another chick, all she said was "which one"
He told everyone he was freezing their keys so they couldn't drive drunk. When I opened the freezer this morning, my keys were at the bottom of an unfrozen ice cream tub of vodka.
All I know is he mentioned whips, leather cuffs, and a riding crop. It's like Halloween, Christmas, and My birthday all in one. a 5 year old couldn't even possibly be this excited.
Sorry there's no emoticon for I got my period all over a guy's bed so I had to improvise. There isn't even a bed one
It got messy; I did a shot of seamonkeys.
So I fucked him. Then I MC Hammer'd to the bathroom, where I did the robot in celebration of my accomplishment. And then I spent 10 mins fixing my toilet. But YOLO.
You thought that you were playing full contact and started screaming "I will fucking end you! I will end you!" and tried tackling everyone in the room.
It's whatever. Titanic is about to be on and we have wine, which is basically crying juice. Leo, Kate, and I will be having a lovely, pants free evening.
She got engaged last night. I don't think you should ask her out man.
Shut up. You had me at killer robots. Your place or mine?
I just made the most “single life” Amazon order ever: protein bars and condoms.
Definitely went to court without a bra and panties because Mr. LastNight’s dog stole them. I guarantee you I was the only lawyer going commando in court
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