mom and grandma are in town. grandma wants to get drunk with you
some kid came into the principals office and tried to explain what he was sent there for through interpretive dance.
Worst part was I had to fart super bad and didn't want to ruin the room so I farted in a pillow and threw it under the bed.
Count me out. I seem to have semen induced blindness in one eye.
Just put a dog collar on someone's child.....was a great hit with everyone but his mom.......I think she hates me. I'm okay.with that
Please don't be alarmed by the blood on my arms and phone in the morning. It's not mine.
was it me or did you scream 'champagne motherfucker' when you punched him in the face ??
I just kept screaming "I'm fucking a preacher's son!" Also, this water tastes like weed.
He can only pee with the faucet running. It's like I'm dating a fucking toddler.
I was packing a bowl naked and her dog just stared at me with pure rage
he woke me up with all the stuff I had at his house in boxes i had to unwrap my own belongings and he said. Happy v-day its time to see ya day! Worst day ever
My frontal lobe is being piloted by Jack Daniels right now.
You thought they were asking for volunteers for a karaoke contest so you jumped up not realizing it was actually a "last 3 minutes boxing match". But you took that right hook like a champ.
stop texting me about your public sex.
says she who narrated getting eaten out in a movie theatre over text to me
He’s tiny, hairless and humps my leg when he wants sex. He’s basically a chihuahua
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