At a strip club after monster truck rally. You should be here
Were you really trying to feed me potato chips while I was sitting on the toilet?
you grabbed the waitors dick and yelled '2nd base' and then he gave you his number. I hate your life.
If I remember who won the superbowl tomorrow morning.. I think I'm just going to quit drinking. There really won't be a point anymore
Nothing says happy baby shower like showing up still kinda drunk from last night with an open tall boy in one hand and fries in the other.
I can't come tonight. Someone took a shit in the dressing room. A.) Clean it up or B.) Kill myself. Text back with your answer.
i dont know whats weirder. that i told him he stabbed me in my dream or that he told me i wasnt the first girl to tell him theyve been killed by him in a dream
The Blue Grotto manager called. He asked me for your name and number. Apparently, on reviewing the videotape he noticed you consumed a whole pizza by yourself. He indicated that he has a tshirt for you and wants to put your picture on his eating wall of fame. Apparently, you are the first such person to complete this incredible feat of eating. Congratulations to you!! I am so proud.
do you remember showing me a picture of your husbands penis last night?
yea! the mushroom one. i would only show you.
I don't send those kind of pictures unless the recipient has already been up close and personal with it. I don't give previews, but I will provide recaps.
Pride is not for the college student young Padawan. Tequila is for the college student.
Note to self; if you can light it on fire, you probs shouldn't drink it
You came out of your room naked under your open robe with a mouth full of brownie on a stick and grabbed a fistful of fruit loops and shoved them into your already full mouth.
Ran out of eye drops right after putting them in one eye. Half baked at work.
You kept ranting how Captain Planet is getting shortchanged in the superhero department. Other than that you kept it together
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