filled out health questionnaire for lower premiums a little bit too honestly. Literally got assigned a life coach.
I wasn't trying to make you feel bad, I just agreed with you that your life does suck.
You said you were going to take the sideview mirror to your own car so that nobody would steal it. Thats why you woke up with it.
Sorry I pissed in your dining room and kicked your best friend in the face while he was passed out.
seis de mayo is my least favoite holiday because i usually spend it in bed sobbing over my poor life decisions from the night before.
don't act like you've never hung your towel on your dick after getting out of the shower
Wow my largely unnecessary pool of lizard-related knowledge finally came in handy. Are you proud?
I don't know what to say
I was just hotboxing under my sheets and I got lost on the way out.
It was so scary.
This is exactly why you shouldn't bang your bartender. Although the awkward free shots are a plus.
I have a bottle of vodka wrapped in a leg warmer in my purse. This is what it takes to get through Christmas with my family.
You snapped me at 3am drunk laying on your floor asking if I knew how we couldn't have predicted the housing crisis.
She asked what a chaser is. I died a little inside, please come back..
Sitting on couch, workout sex makes me more sore than regular workout
You can accomplish quite a bit with a can do attitude and a well placed ice cube.
If I say I hate myself for it does it make it any better?
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