She just asked to stimulate my prostate, man law requires you come pick me up
Killed two birds with one stone: found my wallet and unclogged the toilet.
I have a new fascination with cutting really small segments of hair off peoples heads when they're not looking.
we need to stop having unprotected sex.
ya i know. we're like the secret life of the american whores.
I'm not being over dramatic, but I think my heart is going to stop beating.
Good lord, they've set up every firework to be ignited by a trail of gasoline at midnight. God save us all.
I have jerked off in every room in your house. *the more you know
you called me in the middle of the night, wandering the streets, in search of "the ultimate burrito"
I have never smelled more like a drunk mariachi band than I do right now.
we drunk the bar out of liquor so the guy was selling us bottles of wine for $2a each. Only good thing to come outta this flood
Today's been pretty great, I went and bought the new Batman for the sole purpose of masturbating to Bane
Whats proper etiquette for apologizing to your wife for being so drunk you stood up and pissed on the bedroom floor next to the bed?
I think my AA sponsor just booty called me.
You cannot tell me you don't have a problem while crying pantsless on a stranger's sofa bed.
I tried to suck your dick underwater and almost drowned
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