i hope my daughter doesn't end up with cankles. no guy likes cankles.
I just stuffed five dollars in my near empty box of camels to remind myself to buy more. And my mom says I don't budget my money
I am currently eating pure cake frosting...I am not sure how I was ever referred to as a responsible adult.
I don't know what happened last night but I woke up this morning with "wolf pack" tattooed on my knuckles.
Played "Which Couple Will Take Me Home Tonight" at the bar last night... I can now cross three-some off my bucket list
christmas break will be like the 25 days of orgasms
I've wasted nicer days than this hungover and dry heaving in bed.
Did a bunch of gravity bongs and am watched hours of Frozen Planet. There is nothing in the world I want more than to hug a polar bear.
My motherfucking vibrator ran out of batteries right when I was about to orgasm. It's like he's possessed everything sexual in my life and has compelled it to NOT SATISFY ME.
Like he and the nurses kept being so persistent with it and I just wanted to run out of there in my backless gown and yell FUCK OFF BITCHES IM OUT
He's probably the biggest I've seen outside of the porn I vehemently deny watching and he asks if I think he's too small
I dropped her off at home and her fiancé was shitty, it was 4:30 am. I told him I was the Uber driver
So how do you explain to your boss that Siri called him mid sex?
So today was the first day i've been sober since Wednesday according to my roommate!
I just remembered that I totally burped into someones mouth when we were making out. I was really smooth about it so he didn't notice.
Randomize
