Ben affleck wants to be a US senator. Just thought you would puke with me
I asked her if she watches the office. She said no, but do you watch I'm a celebrity get me outa here? That's when i knew. Deal breaker
I just fired a shotgun out of the back of a truck going 60. i am going to miss oregon.
i was more sad about losing him as neighbor on fishville than as a boyfriend
You're not invited to the wedding. They don't want you starting a "who's fucked the bride the most" contest.
She is just sitting by the bathroom like a little puppy waiting for a knight in shining armor to take her in there to fuck her. New low?
Yes. I am getting trashed on an open tab while judging a karoke competition
Impressive. I approve.
You insisted we help some homeless guy put up posters for his missing pet alligator so we left you there because they were really just Chinese takeout menus.
You need to fuck him. The man has his own Wikipedia.
no. i discovered the *exact* amount of drugs i need to do to understand calculus.
Yelling at the starbucks lady to write Beyoncé on my cup
I'm in public and Taylor Swift is playing. It is taking all my effort to not screech like a goat.
Here's to not getting arrested this year on thanksgiving again. Cheers bitches!
the wedding party just walked in to the song eye of the tiger. i'm getting drunk.
You don't have to buy me dinner, watch tv or even hang out if you don't want. Just fuck.
Randomize