Going to a party tonight. Sorority girls will be there. Primary goal of the night: make one cry. Secondary goal: become a father.
he's downstairs watching tv with my family... I called the home line so my mom could bring me my make up bag cause my real face would prob make him delete my number
I HAVE FLAVORED BLOW. THIS SHOULD NOT EXISIT.
it's a "shave your legs in the cvs bathroom" kind of night
Dong worry about me. I just cashed bottle of wine when I found out he was in town, I'm being dramatic. I'll text you tomorrow when I'm sober and my face stops bleeding
Apparently im getting a reputation for how i mix drinks. Im the midas of booze. Everything i touch turns to koolaid.
Dude you went around coming up behind people and whispering in their ears. I dont know what you said but they looked terrified when you left.
I seriously just drove by a man walking down the street wearing hospital scrubs, an 80s track jacket, gold necklace and carrying a flute.
Is it bad if I just put band-aids over my nipples? Way too hungover be dealing with a bra
He tried to tip me with his police badge...
and you didn't accept WHY?!
So i stood up out of the sunroof while he gave me oral. Car was still moving. Exactly how illegal is that?
If you binge watch Bill Nye Saves the World without me you can consider yourself single
I mean, I let him sleep with me after we both ate taco bell sober... That's kinda like love, right?
i need to get drunk because i'm an angry sober
I don't know who he was but he was covered up with a shower curtain and ate a whole bottle of tums
Randomize
