Its not alright that i make out with a manican.
so i'm sitting in his room drinking tequila from the bottle and watching harry potter. he's jacking off to some porn a couple feet away from me. at one point i look over and see that he's watching me instead of the porn. please help me figure out how warped it is that i found that romantic
"auto-tuned camel" is how i'd describe the noises she made
so apparently we got drunk enough at the reception to rip the center pieces apart and use the flower vases as "fancy glasses"
And then I asked the bartender for my third shot and he told me he had to cut me off at two because this was in fact a family fun center
You look cute and you are awesome. And that means something coming from a judgmental bitch
Be ready for a dog pile. On your head. With my ass.
Also cheers for the reminder to check last night's texts. It's been a magical adventure through drunk me's thought process.
trust me. coming from a bonafide dirtbag, this dude is up to shady shit
DUDE. HOLY FUCK MY PRINCIPAL WAS JUST MY UBER DRIVER. I AM LITERALLY TRAUMATIZED. ANS DRUNK. HOLY FUCK OMG
Guy pissing in the corner in downtown Boston as his girlfriend is covering him up, yelling "relationship goals"
You told me I got kicked out of the bar for lipping off to the bouncers... what shocked me the most was that I made it to the bar
Not to make this awkward, but if we ever have sex (perhaps drunkenly), all i'm gonna be able to think about is how sexy our kids would be.
Sex was followed by homemade breadsticks. I waited till after the breadsticks were gone to tell her i had a gf.
I’ve basically been controlling him with my tits for months now, so I can’t even imagine what would happen if I start banging him
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