i hope kanye doesn't show up to patrick swayze's funeral. " i'll let you get back to your funeral in a minute...but michael jackson had the best death of the year. just sayinnn ".
felt a little awkward waiting for my McNuggets after vomiting all over the counter
12 garbage cans filled with water, a beer can floating in every garbage can, 20 ft. apart and you shoot with dodge balls..and thats only how the night began
And it looks like I sent you 4 failed attempts at the word "hey." Sorry about that.
Down at Ground Zero right now. So many people here. It's the most patriotic game of grabass Ive ever seen.
You stumbled in at 10am, half-clothed and still drunk from last night and yelled "well, its not called a walk of pride!", then passed out on the couch.
wine lets you be on time to class apparently
This is a dangerous realization
I'll always remember you bringing me that pregnancy test in the middle of an ice storm. Best friend ever.
Booty calls should never involve the cops.
My mom told me to get it out of my system now bc once I hit 30 it's not acceptable to get "white girl wasted".
You have better ratings than Crest. Only 4/5 dentists recommend it. You have 8/9 recommendation for your blowjob skills.
of all the things that should kill me, scurvy wont be one of them
Can I fire a pigeon out of a t shirt gun?
We were looking everywhere for you and I finally found you in the closet talking to a build a bear.. So I gave you and myself another drink
i may have just googled 'is philly rioting right now'
Randomize
