Tonight was fucked up. First my mom called me and told me I had to go to the bar to pick up my dad 'cause he was drunk. Then when I got there my dad was doing a body shot from this lady who happened to be my 1st grade teacher. By far the most awkward car ride home. Idk if I should tell my mom or not.
this is a family affair. You're an embarrassment.
whatever it's not my family
I'm sending you this that that when you wake up and see the girl sleeping next to you, you know who to thank
I bruised his dick. I bruised his dick WITH MY MOUTH!! I've never felt more accomplished.
1.) You left the rest of your whiskey here 2.) I drank your whiskey 3.) then made a steam roller out of the bottle 4.) Everything tastes like whiskey
I'm here to help build your repertoire of drunken shenanigans and I should have been arrested stories
I'm drinking wine from the cap of my laundry detergent container, wearing my bed sheet as a cape. How do you think I'm taking it?
. Drop what your doing. Were going to Knoxville for midget wrestling. It's the championship.we can NOT miss this.
We woke up in the room with a hamburger patty on the bed side table, one bun across the room, and the other bun under my pillow. Still don't know who ordered room service.
Well, I have a text in my phone that just says "Scrumtrelescent" from a girl I have in here as "Cheesy Tits", so you figure out how my night was going.
The beer shits the day after completing the World Beer Tour at Epcot are just as epic as the tour itself.
There's only two more days left to say you saw me naked this year.....I'll bring the booze, you got all of next year to rationalize why.
well ya only live once...
that cant be your answer for every horrible thing you do
I once broke a mans heart just to get laid by a premature ejaculator
i think i puked but i couldve been a dream and i may have madeout with a 20 something guy infront of my managers...also possible dream.
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