I just accidently deleted 60 gigs of porn from my external hard drive. Thats over 300 pornos! I think im gonna cry.
Im surprised that you are even able to text me right now.
my dad brought home flowers.. so i started talking to them
I'm sorry but when I'm riding in the trunk on the way to mcdonalds at 6 am I just don't want to listen to reba macintire
I'm in new territory... I've never had to convince a guy to let me give him head as an apology.
I also have a full keg. I'm thinking about crashing a party, they can't get mad if I bring a keg of beer.
Apparently while trying to get up from vomiting in the toilet I grabbed the seat cover for leverage and smashed my own head between it and the bowl. I don't remember this.
I'm doing shots of jagger in dixi cups and making a lesson plan for my 8th grader summer school class. My life is so close to adulthood I can taste it
I tripped over a vacuum cleaner and fell into a beer pyramid
Why do i feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear?
At 27 it's no longer called 'slutty', it's called having a healthy sex life...
I made people serenade her before talking to her and went on a condom run. If I'm going to be in the friend zone, I'm going to be its fucking king.
God, you're amazing. I just want to hang out with you in the nude and watch Monty Python movies whilst we quip about how comedians just aren't as funny anymore.
Credit for originality. Points off for a mild to moderate creepy factor.
You told her you double majored in Geology and Telekinesis. When has that line ever worked for you?
I think I accidentally invented a religion.
Is Oprah even human
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