Dude my mom stole all your condoms
Seriously? Do you have me saved in your phone as 'check every 3 months to see if she's single yet'?
Not too sure about the toy story pull ups. The kids point to their crotch all day and say woody.
Its like fucking yourself in the head with a weed strapon
I really like you, but I want to get to know you on a time when I am not at drugs.
I thought making out with his sister would be a great way of meeting him. But it backfired.
Thats why you always identify the subtext of a blowjob before you accept it.
He tried to give me a shoulder massage while i peed in the neighbors bushes to "make it more relaxing."... I let him... That drunk
Every single person in dollar tree stares at you if you are buying a pregnancy test and wearing a charlie brown costume. Just FYI.
I dont care if your mom convinced you it should be an abstinent christmas. I did horribly on finals and i'm out of booze, so you will get over her and FUCK. ME. NOW.
MY TWIN SISTER IS ENGAGED. I REPEAT, MY SCREW UP OF A SISTER IS ENGAGED. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I'll be there in 20 with vodka.
We need to make boob twerking a thing. I feel like that's why vine was invented
The condoms have been found. I repeat: THE CONDOMS HAVE BEEN FOUND. he isn't a collector!!!
I'm glad that we laid to rest the suspicion that he was keeping them in a scrapbook. yayy
Such a shame we didn't work out. We would've been a power couple producing NFL linemen :/
you had me at "meet me in the bathroom"
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