So you walked 4 miles to get home but stopped by the store first to get a vegetable tray? How drunk were you?
Drunk sex destroyed my coffee table... ikea this weekend?
I think Charlie st. Cloud is the saddest thing I can masturbate to.
i have a surprise for you that looks bigger since I found my body hair trimmer
Yo I tried to get u stoned for ur dreams by blowing weed smoke in ur face while u slept. Ur welcome.
just lying in bed drinking beer with a straw waiting for motivation. why?
Just break the ice by asking who had to take plan b this past semester
You lured him into the bathroom with a trail of jello shots, then proceeded to barricade the door with duct tape. You really should have thought that one through..
It was like in the Christmas carol when the guy pulls his robe back and 2 small children appear... except this time it was a massive scrotum
I think your husband is breaking up with me...
I'm literally in my bed still trying to find the energy to take my corset off so I can binge eat oreos
He's ready to settle down, whereas I'm like "More shots please"
My boobs smell like weed again. This happens way too often.
You didnt text me.. I'm on your street with golf clubs
THERE HAS BEEN GRANDTHEFT IN THE HOUSE. SOMEONE STOLE THE BABYWIPES AND YOU NEED TO BUY MORE BEFORE WE LET YOU IN. oh and you have to take two shots before we'll let you in. with no chaser.
Randomize
