I was tripping balls on the bathroom floor and his dog walked in. The lights in his bathroom have motion sensors, so I thought his labrador retriever was Jesus.
New life rule, no banging opera singers. I might be a little deaf now
I may have farted on a group of children. It may not have been an accident.
I walked outside an you were laying down talking to a star about your life. That's when I took the bottle of jack away...
We were pulling the glow sticks off of him and he just kept yelling, "my bones! You're taking my bones!" and asking me if I was on the crew team
but they dont look like handprints. looks like someone had a boxing match with my tits and my tits lost
I'm drinking your booze since you ate my pop-tarts. I'm telling you this because I still don't think it's a fair trade.
Hey my dad gave me life the least I can do is take him chicken strips and a pack of marlboros.
My Dicks been hard all day. Poor guy isn't used to vacation being over
He had Homeward Bound on VHS how was I supposed to not fuck him
It feels appropriate that the wallet of my high school and college years would die at the hands of a spilled bong. Which in and of itself is a solid metaphor for those years.
I love her so much I can forgive her for wearing crocs
I mean, you've had my nipples in your mouth now, so I think we've reached a certain level of friendship.
Dont you look at me in that tone of voice
Drunk. Send nudes. Just curious.
Randomize
