Dude, Her having kids just means she puts out.
just got high and bedazzled my bra. other than bleeding from the prongs life is so good.
I don't think you'd be able to understand Inception if you weren't high...
he just looked at me and whispered "these are my sea lions. my sea lions." and then went back to licking the mirror
My boyfriend just sent me flowers. I am now crying at the fact i fucked my fat neighbor. God please help me.
Dude you make losing your phone an art. You left it balancing on a two liter bottle in the kitchen. Wtf
Ha, I bet. You tipped the waitress like 10 bucks for a glass of water.
It was ths the worst 15 minutes of my life. . . It was like fucking a warm stick of butter.
Drink a bottle I wine by yourself? Treat yo self
Company meeting and there he was. Felt a little weird like 'last night you were telling me how your dick loves me, and now we're listening to a report on sales figures'.
We have moved from phase 1: honeymoon, to phase 2: trapped in relationship until the cold embrace of death
Just let me pee on you and I'll leave you alone.
Thank you for dog sitting, there is $60 on my desk to be spent on DRUGS AND/OR GAS ONLY not that food stuff people crave.
I AM DRUNK AND AGGRESSIVE ABOUT CURLING!
The US is in the finals, aren't they.
Sooo...you're driving 6 hours for free booze?
Don't judge me.
Randomize
