wow... just woke up to find out that the OJ we used in my bong last night was poured back into the carton
apparently vodka and oj turns green when you throw it up
basic color theory
You only like me because I'm a challenge
You already blew me
I wish there was a classy way to show off your boobs.
He told me he finished so fast because he's a sprinter. I hate athletes who are really just pussies.
Curse you and your alcoholic milkshakes.
You're welcome.
I danced on the street to dubstep on a boombox for an hour with a lesbian single mother.
No, we will not be going out tonight. We are trying to grow the toy donkey in whiskey rather than water. Serious fucking science. Have fun at the boring bar while we Bill Nye it up in this bitch.
I didn't get a chance to take any pics but the mental snapshot of her boyfriend calling her directly after we finished was a really special moment I wish I could properly share with you.
I do not mind being torn from the first touches of sleep to see a man who looks like that
Why I hate online dating: not even one day in and a 57 year old asks me to call him "Daddy."
How the fuck did we end up at a strip club last night.. We started the night playing bingo at a church
I woke up naked and surrounded by M&Ms
Oh my god, my vagina is cursed. He's cursed my vagina so that no one but him can maintain a boner around me. I'm sure of it.
Pandora played an ad for a free trial for an abortion pill if you’ve had unprotected sex in the last 2-3 days and then Lucky came on... I literally am dying laughing
Randomize
