Ben affleck wants to be a US senator. Just thought you would puke with me
I'm at the doctor and the male nurse (haha) asked me if I smoked, drank or did drugs, and when he said 'drugs' he looked me right in the eye and did a perfect wrist rocket.
I thought it couldn't get worse until she said "Nipple hair"
then we talked for a little and he asked my last name which since I have yet to get a fb request I'm 95% sure its for a restraining order
beyond obliterated. i recall legitimately trying to use a ballpoint pen as eyeliner.
Lesson learned. Kayak oars are not golf clubs....check
I told her the job opening requires being on the phone during the week and on my face on the weekends. I think she wants the job.
If I don't get to have sex with him soon my entire female reproductive system is gonna climb out of my body and choke me to death
The moment buddy the elf found out he was human is exactly like the moment I realized I was gay
I know you've been in hospital with meningitis, but last night I walked into a streetlight and bruised my penis so who's really suffering here
I'm sorry I put my balls through your watch. On another note your roommate had them on his shoulder too sry
Duck, Duck, Goose is now the autocorrect, safe for work version of fuck, fuck, loose.
Don't judge me 👊🏼 his dick just whispers my name
Really this has to stop, if they get any younger we will be breaking the law
You got into an extremely loud argument with a juggalo and slapped him, he started crying and everyone cheered.
I remember that, it happened before I started drinking. I thought you said I did something shameful?
Randomize
