I made out with a deaf person. Also I've been drunk 11 days in a row now.
you texted me last night and told me you couldn't find the toilet.
That explains the puddle of pee in my closet.
She asked how far humans have gone into a volcano because they did in spy kids. She was serious.
Just ordered a clown who does balloon animals. No backing out now.
i really appreciated the lovely drunk rendition of whitney houstan's "i wanna dance with somebody" you left on my voicemail.
Sending me a thank you card for letting you fuck my sister was completely inappropriate
Why are you surprised? I've only ever liked older guys since I was a 3 yr old crushing on her pediatrician.
Did you send me a snapchat of your sister triple kissing two other girls?!!! You might be the greatest friend the world ever made
I have a present for you
Like a legit gift, not just me showing up and getting naked
I've been to his house multiple times since that night and I STILL can't find my bra. And he says the hot tub ate my thong.
I never thought I'd have to apologize for tasting like absinthe and cheetos before tonight
My sweat smells like Wild Turkey. I'm really feeling the holiday spirit.
He took me home and by the time I woke up after catching up on sleep I realized I accidentally put on one of his fiances socks. whoops.
I told him you're making deviled eggs for the party. Sisters make deviled eggs to get their sisters laid. It's science.
I just want to find somebody intelligent enough to trick my parents into thinking she's not a trophy wife. Is that too much to ask?
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