Jon just got arrested by the quesadilla police
What?!?
What I actually meant, is I had a quesadilla, and Jon got arrested by the real police
It was like fucking a house. Down the chimney. That deep and empty.
So, after having sex with my 4th overweight girl in 2 weeks, I've decided Charlie Sheen syndrome is ruining my life.
Our phone convo was getting intense. Then I heard her say "quiet mommy is trying to have phone sex"
She always acts like she's doing me a favor with a hand job. I've been giving myself hand jobs for almost 20 years.
But I always wanted my obit to read "Died violently in casino orgy," not "Never woke up from rectal surgery."
Drunk
Deyhxbr
Fucaerrrrr
okay, please tell me Cammy is the one who put the picture and note on my desk saying "beat off to this homeboy"
What's a quick way to get over an ex-boyfriend? To hear about how he threw up in a cup and then drank it. That's how.
If you haven't seen a huge black man in tiny red snowflake shorts that barely cover his dick, then you don't know what I'm going through.
I feel as though sleeping all day due to the effects of prescription painkillers paid for by union insurance made this the most American day ever for me
Dedication to a hook up: I had to recruit five people at the train station to help me buy a ticket from a kiosk and get on the right train in 15 minutes because I discovered that my car was stolen.
I had to ask him for a dick pic. Do you know how refreshing that was?
I thought if I bought the most expensive pregnancy test I would look like I had my life together
I keep worrying she's gonna have a repeat of the time the ceiling fan was talking in Chinese
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