you know what i hate about salt? you can't see it.
At McDonald's last night the guy gave you the wrong kind of McFlurry, so you screamed at him, "YOU MCFUCKED UP."
Dude, at this rate we're going to get arrested a second time tonight.
You kept tellin the cashier that this order was "To Go" over and over...even tho we were in the drive-thru
I came home drunk to my night light on and a Hershey's bar on my bed. Mom knows me too well.
She shouted out halfway through "that costume does nothing to hide your cock". Last time we let her drink at the theatre.
I started sorting laundry at 6 am. He finally got the hint and left
they asked me about my neuroscience major and I said 'the brain is the outer space of the body' and passed out. it appears my ivy league education is not going to waste
Hey I didn't mean to be all lemme get with your ex husband.
What's an appropriate outfit for wearing to hangout with a girl you've talked to once, and had a 4way with?
dude, last night I won a real sword and a bottle of vodka in a cards against humanity tournament
Is this because I accidentally peed on you?
I'm not 100 percent on this, but I think I just shit a lump of cement. What the fuck happened last night?
did you call me last night and say you were being kidnapped?
I ate cake in bed. Felt great
Randomize
