my grandpa was trying to put butter into the pepsi and i'm like "grandpa what are you doing" and he looks down and goes "well i guess that wouldn't taste good anyway"
so its thursday, which means its time to resume communication with you
And i laid in the yard with carrots on my chest cause i wanted a bunny
Dude..her orgasm sent her into a seizure...theres no joke here. It happened.
It would be been irresponsible not to make cleaning the apartment into a drinking game
I'm going to look like a jackass in the Mexican newspaper tomorrow.
I dont think a "sorry ive slept with most of your teammates" text will do much
I can't decide who is the bigger alcoholic: you for opening that bottle of wine just now or me for hearing it in the other room over the air conditioner
Bro I can't jerk it to my phone anymore. I feel Siri staring back, and she's real disappointed.
Finished sriting an apology letter to my liver 2 weeks before st. Patricks game on
I made him say "i realize i'm cheating on my girlfriend" five times aloud before i would hook up with him. Somehow that has to lessen my bad karma
You insisted on going outside so you could "breathe real air".
In sex ed. they really need to include a lesson on saying tampon in foreign languages, just in case.... Trying to ask the woman at the reception desk, who barely speaks English, for one just turned into an awkward game of charades.
She walks around topless and loves making sandwiches. That's how a one-night stand turned intoa relationship
I found them in the bathroom trying to wrap an American flag around Steve's dick. I didn't bother to ask questions.
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