weak ass sauce last night. waste of time. you suck. ps. your boobs are fake
She is making me post-sex grilled cheese at 2 am wearing only shorts and cowboy boots. I am so in love
I hate drunken dyslexia, i thought she said "someone to do" not "something to do" long story short i now have a restraining order.
we're almost there. Shes pounding on the car window telling the nurse whos on a smoke break to fuck off.
I have already decided that it happened in an alternate universe since both of the people involved don't remember it and we only have the word of a sober person that it happened at all
I guess I was trying to make a cheese sandwich, I had to change my sheets cuz I slept on it and the cheese melted all over me, Dave, and my bed
There are eight sets of guys I've made out with who have the same name. It's like noah's ark in my mouth.
Just found an unopened tied g of coke on the floor in her room... she thinks the maintenance guy dropped it earlier today. This takes the cake for sketchiest apartment.
I just used "et al" in a sext. I thought you'd be proud
I went over to help her build a porch, but we decided that was too much work, so we just got high and watched Scooby Doo
I think Jabba the Hut is dying in the stall next to me.
I'm honestly just now recovering from saint Patrick's day.
Just got drunk at the Cheesecake Factory again. Made me think of you.
That's the nicest thing anyone's ever said to me.
You woke up, looked straight at me and screamed "fuck barbara streisand!" and passed out again
they are cutting me off...little do they know I am making a 75 yr old man i named Herbert buy me drinks now...no shame at 11 am...
Randomize
