I remember why I come home for the holidays. Sam Adams is the cheapest beer in the fridge
I miss old school porno. There just isn't any love in porn these days.
In your drunken brilliance did you make bagel with what appears to be mac and cheese smeared on top and pink icing dip? Because if so it is sitting on the counter
They high fived over us while we gave them synchronized blowjobs. In the same bed. Under the same blanket.
my roommate is sobbing and looking at photos of elephants. i'm so confused.
HOLY FUCK COMFIEST CHAIR EVER
if i can hear my landlord's phone ring you think be can hear my vibrator?
Yeah. Well last night I sold my shoes to a man who I'm pretty sure has a weird foot fetish for $150 cash.
Things you do not want to hear after sex: I almost lost my gum in your pussy. Really dude, don't share that with me!
Currently putting together my outfit for this weekend, AKA a poster board that says "I'll cook you breakfast and do all your laundry, take me home." On front and back
I want to be "performing a disservice to society by actually wearing clothes in public" hot.
i peed in the parking lot at work not even thinking, a woman saw
PS I almost downloaded grindr to see if any guys wanted to buy me chinese food..
He woke up wondering who broke in and rearranged all the furniture. He reviewed 11 hours of security footage before I told him he did it while whiskey-drunk.
i was sitting on the kitchen floor shaking my gallon of vodka at people and asking if they wanted to climb the heaven hill... getting dumped is the best thing that has ever happend to me
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