So I'm stoned for 420, and have an eye doctor appointment in fifteen minutes
Are your eyes okay
I mean if I was Asian they would be
it's not the walk of shame if you do it in cowboy boots.
I just fell for a fake 50 dollar bill in a urinal. Fuck pittsburgh
just wokeup with my ethics textbook on my chest, animal crakers in my mouth and my dick in my hand. even aristotle doesn't have a theory for this one
Literally getting boned by my flask right now. I didn't really think about this whole sneaking past security in a skin tight dress.
Two questions: what are you doing RIGHT NOW? and do you know how to drive a golf cart?
I figured it out. If I have at least 4 shots of vodka before I start my day, EVERY day will be a good day.
It wasn't like a party or anything. They played PlayStation and talked about sports. Then I threw up on his porch.
I forgot to tell you. Your neighbor was walking his tiny dog and saw me crawl out of my jeep drunk vomiting and holding onto my bumper. He just said: morning! all friendly.
This morning I found four opened yet full beers on my desk and my towel rack pulled off the wall and in bed with me
He called me at 4 a.m. and wanted me to drive him to McDonald's then drop him off at home. It wasn't even a booty call, it was a fucking chauffeur call.
He does have a nice smile. I also like to think he has a nice penis, but that's just a prediction.
Have you ever eaten pizza and gotten your dick sucked at the same time? Because I have pizza.
My neighbors are white girl rapping to Hamilton again...
Ok so I'm not gonna ignore the fact that you had sex on a frat basement floor and spent the last 4 years wondering how you got HPV
Randomize
