Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
Just saw a homeless guy with a sign that said "Family abducted by aliens. Need money for ransom" and on the back of the sign it said "And it's only $.88"
the last 2 times weve had drunk sex ive had to get the morning after pill.. he's turning into a real expensive fuck buddy.
you went around the entire night in your french maid costume dusting off the "cob webs" on everyone's crotch saying "you havent gotten any action in a while"
I was wondering why i got so many friend requests the next day...
We thought you were crowd-surfing until we realized it was the bouncers throwing you out
Saturday dinner is funfetti cake and merlot. Singlehood has come to this.
He wore my sunglasses on his honeymoon..... so there's that.
Don't worry we will all be making bad decisions soon
That's the most comforting thing I've heard in months
I'm about one sudden movement away from being able to cross "throw up in a fortune 100 company's bathroom" off my bucket list.
don't trust your eyes. just sniff them. if they smell like axe, they are broke, move on to the next.
I think we should take up crocheing or stamp collecting....something completely lacking penises
Finally another gay clarinet player. They're surprisingly rare.
Can we just cry and dive into a couch-sized bag of sadness-chips, dip them in a la-z-boy sized jar of depression salsa while watching a show called 'Forget Your Hopes and Dreams, Just Kill Yourself'?
No fucking Jell-O shots or meth. Those are the rules
I slept like a rock because of your dick. I'll thank him personally later.
Randomize
