they arrested me when i was peaking, i'm pretty sure they were specifically looking for me but i was too busy rolling around, loving the grass to notice the police car..
The Fresno prostitute seemed offended all I wanted from her was directions back to the freeway.
Yeah we call her cincohandjabos because she gave 5 guys handjobs one night in 5th grade
Dear me: Drinking & crying tonight, my place, 9pm sharp. Love, your life
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I give you full permission to seriously injure me the next time I think it's a good idea to face a bottle of vodka
Yeah, I only wore tennis shoes under the gown. Way cooler than khakis and a shirt, but much more awkward when my parents wanted to go to dinner immediately after the ceremony and my grandmother started to unzip the gown. Stopped her before it was too late, but barely. My dad just rolled his eyes.
Bro if you were a bird I would puke in your mouth right now
But I mean how many guys can say they get blow jobs and grilled cheese with football
I impressed him by taking off my panties without removing my pants.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I JUST AGREED TO GO TO A CHILD'S BIRTHDAY PARTY AT A PLACE CALLED PUZZLE'S FUN DOME WHY DO I HATE MYSELF
I keep worrying the police are going to come looking for us.
For which one? Starting a fire on my porch or having sex on my porch?
Today, this cop risk his life to save me from a sink hole but all I could do is laugh, I was so stoned
And ANOTHER guy that I once got naked is doing gay porn now. Wtf? Am I the audition?!
I bonged champagne. And did keg stands. What in the actual fuck am I doing with my life?
The hump and dump is a beautiful thing
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