there is a puppy in the bar... no really i didnt steal this one
I'm towing my little brother down the road on a sixty year old tractor, we're taking up the whole highway, and no one cares. I love South Dakota.
OMG THIS GUYS LICENSE PLATE IS GETTNHRWET
we found him in the shower with a bottle of jose saying "this is Mexico's fault"
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He woke up in the ambulance thinking he was still in the club.
We ran out of wine so we are trying the absinthe you brought over from Spain like 3 years ago. Please call me at noon tomorrow. If we die, its your fault
Not sure if it is a new high or new low, but i left a basket on the porch of the sorority I woke up at. It had a description of the Minnie Mouse I woke up next to, and Plan B.
im sober
you just pulled your sweatpants out of your bag and thanked them for being alive
Maybe tomorrow I'll be drunk again and can provide you with texts at a more reasonable hour. Here's hoping. GOodnight. Tebow loves you
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I've got 2 dollars. How do I turn this into alcohol?
I called him a "Beautiful Bastard" with "Beautiful Bastard Hair". That is how you pick up a guy from Denmark.
Pretty sure my parents just hear me get off from the living room but I feel like they should be proud that I did it without a man honestly.
you know what? fuck you, fuck your nana, and ESPECIALLY FUCK THE BLACKHAWKS.
He offered to dress his dick up as Charlie Chaplin to cheer me up.
Keep him.
I'm naked, eating straight Nutella, and listening to "Make you feel my love" on repeat. So no. He didn't ask me out.
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