She told me that she had to rub her face against me because she was part cat.
In hindsight maybe we should have moved his homework instead of playing quarters on top of it.
Is it possible for Craig Seger to wear a normal suit and not look like an asshole on national tv?
can we change the rule from "no one is ugly after 2 am" to 1130 so i can justify last night
there is a dorito bag in my car full of my mouth blood
I think that "I fucked your little brother" wasn't the best way to introduce yourself.....
There's an old guy having a conversation with his penis in the bathroom right now.
I'm so high that hamburger just went up my nose. Mustard BURNS
That's why god made go-pro's and tequila
YOURE A FUCKING ADULT. DONT TELL ME ITS PAST YOUR BEDTIME WHEN I WANT TO GET ANOTHER COCKTAIL.
My mom added me on Snapchat which means I am officially done with Snapchat.
OH MY GOD I AM DYING. AS I WAS TEXTING I JUST BUMPED INTO A MOTHER FUCKING DEER. I AM SHAKING
Wait...Literally? You hit a deer...with your body?!
I PHYSICALLY RAN INTO IT. I FELT ITS WEIRD HAIR AND I EVEN APOLOGIZED CAUSE IT DINDT REGISTER THAT IT WASNT A PERSON. MORTIFIED.
Apparently his version of saying "I'm Sorry" is streaking around our apartment building then asking for a blow job.....
Drinking at 10 in the morning and swimming might not be the best idea I've ever had but it beats working
Pandemic Silver Lining: cheap hotel rates makes it easier to have afternoon fun with my side dick
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