I bet i've been more pregnant than you.
john hughes is dead. crushing any and all dreams of me ever being in an 80's john hughes film. bummer.
I knew we were gonna fuck after she told me she's seen that Porno before
I woke up this morning and saw that I had transferred $0.75 from my savings account to my checking account.
just saw the guy i hooked up with last nights' face on a billboard. win.
Don't freak out about the couches in the driveway. We tried to unpack the uhaul drunk.
You know i'm the father figure
Yeah the father who ate her out with me last night. Great dad
That was the #1 scariest moment in my life. I have full trust in you, I let you bite my penis for god sake.
This hickey is now green and covers half my neck. I have an alien hickey. I think he thought my neck was dinner.
Just got discharged from the hospital after getting my finger stitched back together don't you dare say you had a worse night than me
It says a lot about the way my life is going right now that 'there's no shit in your house' is fucking good news.
I SWEAR TO GOD IF SHE FUCKS WITH OUR GOLD GENE POOL
My phone just put together a highlight reel of yesterday's dick pic session, set to music and everything
i woke up in just my thong, face first on my bed with all the lights on. how hungover do you think i felt?
If you can wrestle my underwear off of me, you can top. It'll be like using an amulet in Legends of the Hidden Temple. Instead of not getting captured, you don't get fucked in the ass.
Randomize
