Of course im so fucked up sarah. I fight away tornadoes.
I made myself breakfast and everything and then whoever's house it actually was came downstairs very upset.
Just set all my clocks a minute apart. Now my 4:20 is longer by sixfold
she woke up, said "please dont tell me your name, i dont want to remember it"
then she stuck her tongue in my ass
I thought we were talking about reason you aren't going to marry her?
Please please please tell me that is not a pringles container full of pee that your little brother just got a hold of.....
Thank god for makeup because it looks like someone took a shit on my face
you asked my brother if you could eat the cupcake that you found. you were showing him a baked potato
Dear Penis Owner...our records show that you are overdue for servicing...please contact our friendly associates to schedule a thoroughly satisfying experience today...operators are standing by...
Our music was glorious. Maidens were deflowered to the sound of my voice.
I manage to fit my wine bottle in my koozie and the rest is history
On a scale of 0 to Thanksgiving, there is no amount of food that fights against tequila.
I am the most hated person in hoboken. Ive been doing drunken cake boss impressions down the street for the past 20 mins.
Tell me why I woke up with your dads construction shirt on, nothing else, and had jelly donuts with a note from a girl named cathryn that said "we had a kinky night with peanut butter". p.s. Im by the layin by the lawnmower
Saddle up bitches, we're going to an orgy.
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