I look like Roseanne just got in a bar fight with Rosie O'Donnell.
I had a dream you and I were having sex. It was pretty romantic.... until you started pulling out toys.
I need a leather bustier to keep them in.
Too kinky for 11:30am. Stop that.
I can't tell whether I'm throwing up blood or licorice.
he left me a note this morning. it said "thank you for letting me touch you"
He is the Donovan McNabb of stuff up his ass. Tell me that tomorrow. Too high to remember.
I think I dropped my cock ring in your back yard
It wasn't until I took a shit, that I remembered that you assholes started spiking my shots with tobasco when I wasn't looking last night. Dicks.
Went to a date party without a date and had a threesome wooops
We bought a pool from walmart at 2am...and to make matters even more white trash we headed to Applebee's for half off appetizers and corona-ritas
I don't even care if you were high. The fact that I've been begging for us to have those cinnamon rolls for months and you didn't even save me one is not ok.
I found a Trump-humping republican virgin born on the goddamn Fourth of July. I NEED to hate-fuck him.
Remind me to tell you about this weekend with them. It was the least fun I have ever had drinking. And I have thrown up pork and beer through my nose on the side of the freeway.
I'm really excited to meet your new dude! But we really need to find out if he's your cousin first.
You were leaning against a fire hydrant asking people if they wanted to buy free pocket peanuts from you.
Randomize
