my grandma just informed me that patrick swayze used to babysit my dads cousins why wasn't i informed of this early...like when i was obsessed with dirty dancing!
I'm pissed I'm finding this out at 24 bc i could have used this material to make friends
according to the woman who took my blood today, i have "party veins"
Just woke up bloody and clutching a rear view mirror I'm pretty sure is from my car. For those of you keeping score at home this is why I stopped drinking four loko.
The next time you try to involve a tickle me Elmo in my orgasm, I'm leaving you
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Sat down on an escalator. That hungover.
It's almost like a boob-text, but it's not. Because it was live. And you were showing a bunch of people.
You made me take a photo of you under the stairs at the bar. "Look I'm Harry Potter."
After sending me a dick pic, he asked, "yay or nay?"
If there is a heaven, that's what it will be. Bagel Bites and cunnilingus.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
We've been staking out a taco bell for 2 hours trying to find last night's one night stand
you were on a whole other level. you went home with him because he said "you got some light ass eyes"
I have a few Facebook friends I only keep around for quality control purposes on Tinder
At one point of the night i was standing at the bar and 3 of them had their hands down my pants, they were like thumb wrestling for it.
He had been licking my nipple for like 5 minutes and it wouldn't get hard. He asked me to lick my own and when I did, instant hardness. I realized I'd rather have sex with myself then this guy ..
Nothin much, just sipping warm franzia from a plastic valentines wine glass while wrapped in my Mexican blanket listening to sappy country songs and mourning my lack of a love life. Hbu?
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