i have i love cock written on my hand and a vagina drawn on my arm and i just finished eating breakfast with the whole fam for mothers day
ahah at least you got away with it
nope...my gran was the one who informed me
I should just throw a hundred dollar bill into the wind and walk away... save myself the hangover.
i got a mint flavored condom from wellness day...im kind of tempted to taste it
Wow. 8.8 earthquake hit Chile this morning
didn't feel it. :)
It's like 5 thousand miles away of course you didn't.
wait what? so it's not in america?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
The security guard told you that the room was off limits and you just looked at him and said,"Its okay, I have a beard".
You kept hugging the big bouncer & feeling the other ones beard
My mom ate salad out of the vodka bowl
I want to miss work tomorrow on account of violent projective vomit... Make it happen
Can we do a version of last night where I actually remember shit?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Sometimes I hate my life and then I remember I live in the WORLD CAPITAL OF RUM
I always "accidentally" drop a condom and make sure she sees it's a magnum. By the time I'm inside her and she realizes how small I am, it's all over in a flash and I'm done. Plus, they never call back so I never have to see the girl ever again. #gratefulforprematuretinypenis
My dad is so drunk he attempted to ride my two year old cousin's tricycle. For a solid five minutes.
Oh god establish a safe word
I'm going to! Pineapple.
I'll start working on my manners when you stop using please and thank you in the bedroom.
my downstairs neighbor came by to say he’s having a huge loud party tomorrow, handed me a toblerone bar, and said thank you in advance for your understanding
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