im pretty sure vibrators are the best invention since dinosaur chicken nuggets
So I'm eating my sandwich... and a penny fell out of it.
the way i see it him paying 500 bucks for my fake abortion is karma's way of punishing him for cheating on his wife
wanna play who's drunker? I just made macaroni & cheese taco and offered it to the pizza Guy as a tip.
Well still if someone cared enough about u to wish an unwanted child or a disease on u ..u must have been doing something right
I just told him he had gained a new brother. He immediately knew I meant the eskimo kind.
We should go, because after those margaritas time is running out on my sobriety clock.
It wasn't a basement apartment, it's his parents basement. And he wanted to show me his pet tarantula collection. I NOPED THE FUCK OUT!
Well if she's the kinda girl that doesn't want you after seeing a pic of your balls squeezed together, she's not the girl for you.
Note to self. The tub labelled "not water" does not contain water.
Spent the majority of my senior year drunk. Graduate of 2011, I think 2011. Probably.
Successfully put eye drops in while driving with my glasses on. Stoner level: expert
I mixed Jack with hot chocolate. This may be the best or worst idea ever. I have yet to find that out
I was like sure, i'll have a drink or two to end the night early. Next thing i know theres a ton of dudes in my house and like 3 gallons of wine. I cant do anything in moderation.
His wife found the thong I “forgot” in his glovebox
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