i just compared eating a chick out to "gargling a cheeto"
My 54 year old father just sent me a YouTube link on my school email titled "Walrus sucks his own dick" and then wrote in the email "I wish I were a walrus". What the fuck is wrong with my family?
he's dressed up as spiderman, i don't understand why he's crying.
I've come to accept that no matter where I step in our apartment, your underwear will be there.
There is a girl in my drunk limo who hasn't seen an uncircumcised penis. Hook me up with a picture.
Rosemary is literally sitting on the ground holding on to the rug because she thinks she is going to fall if she lets go. We smoked way too much.
He tried to tip me with his police badge...
and you didn't accept WHY?!
I just hit your bf in the face with a mustard bottle and the guy at the table next to us bowed down to me.
Good night I hope you dream about knitting and threesomes
i just thought a plastic bag was my cat. i just pet a plastic bag. that high.
Nobody will take a lit match to your nipple without warning you this time. Pinky swear.
I chose not to drink last night but drinking chose me
I just twinged a muscle in my shoulder trying to hug myself. In the world of loneliness-based injuries, this is a new low for me.
My parents heard a lamp fall and crash and the dogs were barking like crazy so my mom got up to check. she found you peeing in a corner by the tv. And you kept shhhing her.
I have only been here for a week and might contributed to a dumpster fire on accident.
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