Sweetheart, you've always been a horrid bitch...
quick I need to know all the foods that the very hungry caterpillar ate
those are such fre$h shoes
going to ignore the use of the word "fresh" in a sentence that isnt related to produce and/or other food stuffs and especially the part where you replaced an "s" with a dollar sign
Youll never guess who has to go to fucking planned parenthood because trojan cant make a fucking condom
Wow, Pearl Harbor and The Notebook are on. Its like the Im going to kill myself marathon.
Last night you told her she was rocking the beer gut. Still wondering why you have that black eye?
stumbled upon a picture of an owl staring me in the face. i almost offered him a bong hit.
I JUST MACED MY OWN FACE
This is by far the best text I have ever woken up to.
I'm glad we're going to catch up. too bad it's over my vagina.
FYI, Sammie and I made the executive decision that we're getting a pet octopus and keeping it in the ballpit. Just thought you should know.
you just cant say you love him and then say you want to fuck your boss
I mean I know I'll get over it by like tonight but ew ew eww. I cannot. Dude I don't even know his name also I threw up on his penis
Went as "Party on, Wayne." And left as, "Partied out Wayne in a foot boot with new medical bills." Fuck Halloween...and vodka.
i told someone my fallback plan was to be a slutty bartender and i needed the practice as i straddled them to pour a shot
Finally fucked my buddy's mom!! We are both ten years older and for her it really shows but i hit it!!
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