she said 'i love fried rice', threw a condom at me and passed out naked.
Only she could turn her genital wart appointment into a date night.
My roommate made me go home after I mooed at fat girls at the gas station.
My coke dealer 411'd my work number just to see how I was doing and gave me his new number. He must miss my business
I want to see boobs tonight. Like, real ones. Your ones.
I'm romantic.
Remember that mom/daughter stripper team? Well i just met the ex husband/father in AA. WOW!!!! WOW....
I also tried to solve my dog's itching problem with crystal healing. I'm so high, dude.
I just rubbed amethyst all over him and kept saying 'no bites.'
So we just smoked a bowl, out of an antler, with this old dude, while standing at the bar. Dude just walked up and said we were in his spot, just began packing it and handing it around...
Woke up pants less in the vacant apartment across the hall. It was unlocked because they were showing it to someone. When they walked in I woke up and said "this is a great place to live" and walked out
A guy in a gorilla mask got blown on the lawn. And then the night got weird.
He was so energetic. It was like screwing a bunny.
there's people who respect me enough not to bang on my bed and i think that's beautiful
He was doing dishes, naked. I dropped to my knees and gave him head. Teamwork level- pro..
Checked my bank account this morning...apparently I went to 7-11 at 4am and spent $22 on taquitos. New all time low for me.
I ate all of them. New all time low for ME.
oh man there are to hot chicks wrestling in a pool of maple syrup. ill send you a picture
this is why i will never break up with you
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