I ride home in a shopping cart. Don't at like you aren't jealous.
i was out of cigarettes so i took the butts out of the ashtray, emptied them out, and proceeded to roll one big Frankenstein cigarette.
she told me she sucks everyone's dick but mine because mine is too big and "hard to suck" i need to reevaluate the girls i fall in love with.
I've never heard a "this is the reason why i dont suck your cock" explanation go in that direction
look, i dont wanna be "that girl" but if someone offers me coke in exchange for sex, i cant say no.
Just got Netflix. Dexter Marathon. Still in my PJ's. Only eaten cookie dough and drinking a 40. I have never reeked so strongly of lonely .
You missed out on a serious adventure. Cops were called. We put a chicken in someones house.
I'm about to do the walk of shame in a christmas onesie. What would I do without christmas sweater party season?
You grinded and hooked up with a middle aged tiger woods look-a-like with manboobs. Tequila isn't for you.
She fell asleep with me.... We found her pantsless in the dogbed in the morning... Russian foreign exchange students
She's planning a December wedding, I'm planning on a June breakup.
Always wear a seatbelt when giving road head. I think I'm just going to tell people I don't remember how I got the fat lip.
You were so proud of your stupid "magic trick" but all you did was piss on the couch. don't talk to me for a few days.
I dunno what's worse, that one guy here said he'd blow somebody for Tim Horton's right now, or that someone else looks like they want to test his sincerity.
Come get me, I'm fucking scared.
Are you drunk texting me again or are you just being your regular stupid self?
yes
Honey you are a beautiful woman but I came over to eat your pizza and fuck your brother. And you're out of pizza.
Randomize
