If i off myself, it'll be in a lobster costume in the hot tub with butter...
she just made a shot glass out of magazine paper. I love her.
I heard from multiple reliable sources that she doesn't have a gag reflex. Of course I'm going to try to go home with her.
my phone calendar just alerted me that it's "weed time" in 15 minutes. do not remember setting that alert last night...
Nothing good has ever or will ever come from 50 cent beers at the bowling alley..
It's okay. My lingerie drawer is skanky enough for the two of us. Even across borders.
Also he wants to know a casual, consise way to ask a girl in a bar if he could eat her out. Think on that.
That feels better than graduating college or that time I tried to ride a llama. Did you know they really spit?
I told him not to mix beer with his Dr. Pepper...his reply was "i'm a grown ass man i'll do what i want". Judging by the sounds coming out of the bathroom he regrets not listening to me.
come home. i made deep-fried hotdogs; don't let me die alone.
My roommate is downstairs drunk, smoking, and listening to a self help DVD. Please dear God don't let this be the Ghost of Christmas Future.
I slept through 4/20 and my roommates bought an entire ham that's just sitting in the fridge...
He wants Portugal to lose so badly he threw out all the sangria. You know how depressing it is to watch someone dump 4 gallons of heaven?
I can't tell if this is a hangover or just a perfect combination of shame and regret
He called my IUD an IED, and said that’s why I had bomb pussy.... I didn’t correct him
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