just got cropdusted by the delivery guy...this was not in my job description.
watchout when you come home, dougs at the top of the stairs naked eating doritos
Her friend drew me a diagram of how we could get away with her giving me a blowjob at work.
the towel caught on fire outside the hottub but we were all too stoned to care
Turns out getting tied up to two door handles and forced to repeatedly cum is actually a really good ab workout.
FYI the landlord called, said we need to clean the puke off the side of the house...was someone on the roof lastnight??
The vagina on Hilton Head is mighty fine this time of year.
Im sorry for drunkenly throwing your phone into the ocean. At the time it seemed like a good way for you not to text him
Sometimes I envy you, when I'm not praying for your soul.
I made friends with the delivery guy because he had beautiful dread locks and was a Zelda fan. He texted me after he left saying he wasn't trying to be creepy but we should be friends. We're hanging out tomorrow.
How does this kind of shit happen to you?!
Didn't get carded at the bar. We're getting wasted and then walking over to Bass Pro Shops to watch the indoor ducks swim around. And possibly buying a tent.
I got custody of our girlfriend in the breakup.
Also, you fell asleep with you hand on and around my cock last night.
I just walked in on my dad beating it.. There's not a fucking therapist in ARKANSAS that can help me with that!
Went to waffle house after dropping my sister off at school and got into a heated argument with a drunk/hungover philosophy professor I will not name. I won the argument.
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