I totally have a Rabbi on speed dial now. Keep it Kosher.
smoking weed is really the only logical conclusion to hangovers
I just offered a homeless man a meal from McDonald's, and he replied "I don't eat McDonald's food". That is the epitome of "begger's can't be choosers."
He just slept in my bed for a couple hours and asked lots of questions about gay sex. No, I do not have his number.
I don't think blacking out in class is a good idea. But I'm game
I don't know... But I do think this is probably the longest series of texts we've written discussing your cock. David was right, it is a brave new world. Also, slow day at work again?
Everyone was hooking up and I was just by myself rolling around in the grass at one point ... Which I am allergic to.
All I really remember is thinking that the music looked like beautiful lizard waves in my head
We accept all of your sexual lovers, Jewish, episcopalian, atheist. Dick is dick
She got engaged last night. I don't think you should ask her out man.
He came on my favorite pants. He is dead to me.
It’s just hard to believe you really care about me when u haven’t touched my dick in 2 months
I feel asleep with my contacts in, with my arms wrapped around a bottle of vodka. Also... Do we have class today?
Just because my bed is easier to get to doesn't mean it's okay to fuck in.
I'm a peeled potato compared to her. I'm a peeled potato compared to anyone. I'm a peeled potato.
Are you high?
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