my boobs are a 3G dead zone. as soon as i take my phone out of my bra, it has a signal again.
We saw some woman wearing leather pants. It was weird. We have decided to follow her on her travels to see where people go in leather pants in Michigan.
You can't like Harry Potter and Twilight. You have to pick. Vampires and Wizards are mutually exclusive.
my three year anniversary of no dick sucking is coming up. you can throw me a party with a penis cake.
headbutted the bartender, tried to bite the bouncer, and pissed on a cops shoes. and i still got laid. god, it's good to be home
I might scale it back and go as an investment banker. Which is the exact same costume as James Bond on LSD. I just introduce myself differently.
Well you really should've thought of that before you painted your walls the same color as your toilet
This was my thought process as I drunkenly ran home: Whoa! I'm going so FAST! Why don't I run EVERYWHERE! ALL THE TIME! Then I peed in a bush and passed out on the ground.
So basically you were a dog.
Have you ever noticed that the cities in car commercials look really futuristic?
...did you eat that brownie?
Are you responsible for the syringes and miniature cactus garden that has magically taken over my fridge?
I have an erection and I'm about to go through airport security.
I sent a picture of my balls to one of my best friends, so basically it was an average night.
The night was crazy enough that we did a workout. Instructed by the bouncer at 2am
There is resin on and IN the refrigerator. Its even on the food. My god, what happens to you?
I just found weed in my bra #magicboobs2k16
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