I just told a dude I hooked up with last night he was the pick of the litter.
We left the bar, went to a sex shop, bought penis shotglasses, went back to the bar and insisted that the bartender used them.
I'm glad we have the kind of friendship where if either of us is too drunk to fuck a hot guy, we pass the responsibility to each other and get the job done.
I just re read that. We really need to get our lives together.
Fuck you. You would only tell me how to get to your house in Spanish.
In all seriousness, if tomorrow night becomes a heated game of Which Ex Gets To Take The Plastered Birthday Girl Home, I'm going to bow out with my integrity intact.
After i black out, be a good friend and point me to the direction of a girl with daddy issues, any girl would do just fine
I have reached the state of intoxication where it is now a requirement to sit while peeing.
Before you even think your day was worse than mine, I had to disinfect and and stitch another dude's penis after his prince Albert got ripped out by an angry chick.
He's my BOYFRIEND but he won't sext me. I'll be like, "tell me how you want to fuck me", and he's like, "I love how we can talk about our feelings". FUCK
We had sex on the beach. I was completely naked except for my sneakers. That's when you know
I almost went home with him but then my hydroxycut fell out of my purse at the bar and I ran away
Dude we smoked with a bunch of random stoners in a forest, then group hugged. It was the most magical thing we've ever done.
Everyone thinks I'm sleeping but I'm actually just melting.
Today was brought to you by the letter B for beer and bourbon and the number fuck you I'm meant to be studying not hungover
you could be the only one getting laid right now....yet your sitting in here making goat noises
Randomize
