I'm still with the girl from last night. remember to call me conrad and that i work for PETA
I swear, you have an app for that. "Attention: your boyfriend is pooping. Place call?"
Bank of America texted me 7 times in 12 hours to say my balance was below $50. I kept transfering money back in. Then I texted my bank saying that it was okay, i knew what I was doing.
Have you ever tried running while drinking 151?
He was drinking hot tub water because i refused to get him a glass of water...
I'm going to make a mold of my tits to bake a cake for him for our anniversary.. I can see the pride in his eyes now.
Hypothetically going to the gym on coke was a good idea
Let me refresh your memory. New Year's Eve in the back of my car you grabbed my hand and said feel my tumor on my butthole and at that moment I swear we were infinite
Guess what I'm doing tonight? Tacos and strip chess.
You looked at me, said I was a nice guy. Then you drunkenly climbed on top of me and said you liked me and wanted me.
I think I ejaculated my soul out.
ive decided that just saying "yes" when people assume I am something other than Caucasian will highly benefit my love life. last night I was native.
Thanks for listening. You're the first guy I've ever worked with who I didn't want to fuck.
i want to say his dick was in it but not his heart
i really didnt think i was that drunk last night but the txts from unknwn #s that say i like your lace panties are def telling me otherwise
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