I just watched a girl at work pick her nose with 4 of her 5 fingers. So I now know what sausage biscuits taste like in vomit form.
i said good morning to each one of his abs personally
I just had to give myself a pep talk to stop lying on my floor. Literally too hung over to function
just used my sex toy cleaning solution to clean my reading glasses. midterms are cramping my styleeee
The empty keg landed on my head. It's a good thing we already got shitfaced or i'd be a vegetable and the humor would be completely lost.
They let me close the tennis center alone. It's a 6-minute drive from 2 of my booty calls. Scratch tennis court bj off the bucket list.
She just rubbed her face up and down my six pack cooing. Equal measure of weird and hot.
According to facebook, I opened up a can of whupass on some douche who poured all the vodka on the ground.
You called the wrong number but I salute you.
I hate vagina strikes, but I must not stray from my path. My boyfriend will know the true meaning of blue balls.
He lit a candle for the mood and ended up lighting my hair on fire while we were hooking up...moodkiller
I love the smell of your bedroom. It smells of a mixture of cherries, leather, and unrequited homosexual desire.
Granted every 20 shifts of working there you seem to be on par to receive some sort of racy satisfying sexual encounter which money can’t buy
Would it be inappropriate to meet you at the airport after your family vacation so I can tell you all about the amazing sex I have been having?
if being 21 means slamming 99 cent margaritas at 3:00 in the afternoon on a Tuesday then call me Peter Pan IM NEVER GROWING UP
Is that strawberry winking at me??
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