Until that no good dick sucking whore stays away from my boyfriend I am gonna start blowing all of his friends...
I'll be waiting for you under the stairs with peanut butter and tequila ... Don't tell the neighbors
I thought I broke my iPhone. I was almost as depressed as the day I broke my vibrator.
She guessed my name 9 times, and 5 of those times she guessed Mike. Figured that'd be an easy target for the night.
Apparently my gaydar only works on americans. Frenchie capris has two topless chicks in our kitchen making him breakfast.
I really thought you were going to tell me you were pregnant on facebook chat. FACEBOOK CHAT. I almost cried.
This girl did not understand, once police sirens go on, road-head needs to STOP
I saw a 60 yr old mans penis last night. Just for the record.
I literally just got propositioned by a sugar daddy.
OUR DREAMS ARE BEING REALIZED. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
Your dad just texted me? He said I needed to holler at him when I get up tomorrow. I honestly thought you had somehow gone to jail.
I think tonight's gonna be the night I wear a go pro while trippin on acid
It's amazing the amount I can accomplish with a glass of wine in my hand.
i feel like i shouldn't just had to send a text that said "no i will not eat your ass"
I gave her the last ten dollars to my name and bitch comes back with a six pack of bud light and a pack of sour patch kids
I gotta do like a month's worth of catch-up personal hygiene today in prep for Christmas so extended family doesn't ask if I'm depressed.
Randomize
